This next therapy "session" hits a little too close to home for me. Please remember to be kind with your advice ;0)I'm a 23 year old woman, I just graduated from university and I like to think that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I have great friends, family and am very grateful for life. I am easy to please and like to think I am pretty drama free, simple things make me happy. The only thing that I am not sure about/probably naive is with relationships with men. I've never been friends with guys and I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18. I didn't consider myself beautiful til around this time, no makeup and didn't 'get ready.' I've never really had an official boyfriend, like one that I can bring home to the fam. I guess I've just haven't been as lucky as my friends/others.
When I was 19 I met a guy that was hitting on me at my job at a restaurant. This was all new to me, and he was really nice, he wooed me. lol. I finally let him take me out after talking on the phone/email. He was well off and respectful, made me feel like a woman. I kissed him after the third date and since that date I've done things with him that couples do ..lol and he pleased me back. I never had sex with him, it just wasn't right timing for me, but we had oral. The thing was when I was 20, he told me that he was 32. Although this is a huge age gap, it didn't bother me much. What bothered me the most was that I always felt that there was a part of him that I would never know. There was one time he accidently popped open his trunk and it was full of baby clothes/toys. At the time I was like 20 he told me that it belonged to his cousin/sister. I shrugged it off and we moved on to date for about a year. I really fell in love even though it was nothing that would be considered bf/gf. We never hung out with my friends and he met only my mom and sister once. I knew where he lived but he never invited me in, which upset me a lot. He was always there for me and supported me and always made sure I was safe. He once bought me a plane ticket when I got stranded in San Francisco just so I wouldn't take the greyhound. He wanted to always make sure I was safe because he had an ex that was killed. We kind of separated for a year while I transferred to another college, I was 21. I met other guys, nothing nearly as serious, but I really missed him. The break up was over the phone and his reasoning was that I should live out my college years single and he was too far from me anyways. It was hard, but with time I was okay again.
During this year break I was enjoying the single life and hooked up with a guy from college that invited me to his place, introduced me to his friends and I was able to cuddle with him, something I never had with the thirty yr old. He was a college student like me so we were both on budgets. But again I was never considered a girlfriend and we never had sex...lol. No one in my college really was interested in dating seriously. I did make guy friends, nothing too deep of a friendship, but it was an improvement.
When I graduated from college I was 22 turning 23 and single and happy. I thought about my ex a lot and always did, i mean he was my first. I enjoyed his company and the fact that he always emphasized how he should treat me like a 'queen' and took care of everything for me. I honestly was tempted to contact him, but I am the kind of person that doesn't want to force things. One day out of the blue he contacted me. I was so excited and happy and my heart skipped a few beats. I told myself before that I wanted to be the perfect person for my next relationship. I wanted to be stable mentally, emotionally, independent and with a career. This wasn't exactly the case. I had a mediocre job out of college and I moved back home. I was still excited he contacted me and he made me nervous in saying that there was something he had to tell me.
We finally met up and he told me that he had a son. He showed me pics and told me his son is five yrs old and he told me that the reason that he didn't mention his son was because he wasn't sure if it was his. The mother is older, around her 40s and she is independent. I was skeptical and I probably should have delved deeper but I was just so excited to be with him. We spoke for hours and talked about his son, my plans for the future, etc.
We kissed and talked and caught up with life. I was so happy. Then he told me that he loved me. This was a complete shock to me. I wasn't sure if I was hearing things. I didn't tell him I loved him back only because I didn't quite feel it, I know that he knows though. This was about three months ago and at the time I was so excited to be with him again. He would call me almost every night and we tried to meet up as much as we could. At the time he didn't have his son all nights of the week and we would meet up a good amount. It still wasn't an ideal situation for me, but I have a lot of feelings invested. Eventually sex came up, I've been so curious about it and all I wanted was someone to love me for me to go through with this. I told him that I was ready and he was eager as hell. I sometimes feel like he had it planned. He picked me up in the middle of the day and wine&dined me. We got condoms and checked into a hotel. It was a great experience-as much as a 1st time could be I guess, but when it was time to go he was a little inconsiderate. I had told him things I wanted to do before I went straight home, which he kind of ignored. I shrugged it off, but then later I thought that this was an important thing. What I have to say is important too.
After we had sex, I was volunteering later that week and didn't have money for parking at the event and planned to park on the street. He got worried and forced me to take $100.00 from him just in case. I wanted to give it back to him because I didn't want it. He ignored my wishes even though I was crying that I didn't like taking the money. It made me feel like I was getting paid or he was compensating. I eventually met up with him afterwards and gave it back a couple days later because I really didn't want/need it.
This was about a month ago and I haven't seen him since. He would occasionally call, but I would always try to meet up. I asked him when I would see him and he was always busy. Instead of giving me hope, he would just tell me that he is busy. I've been at a loss of what to do with him, I thought that having sex would further our bond, make our connection stronger, it didn't feel like that at all. I know I was wrong to think that.
To me it felt like he was avoiding me for a month. I feel that if he really wanted to see me he would. He could have introduced me to his son like he mentioned he would- but he never did. I have not been satisfied with 'us' I want to know more about him. I want him to open up with me. I don't know anyone that knows him. I feel like a side dish at times, and I don't understand why he would drag me along in this if I never get to meet his friends/family. Another thing is I figured he lied about his age. If things were like he said, he would be 34-35 now. He told me he is 39. I freaked out a little, but I know at this point it didn't matter. Sometimes I feel like I messed up a lot.
Since this time he hasn't been as eager to call/see me. I thought that we would be seeing each other/getting busy more. I crave it now. But this is not the case.
Recently I've been offered a place to stay and possible job in another state, and I am truly considering it because I have fallen into sadness where I'm at right now. He thinks its a bad idea because I don't have any career goals to pursue out there and if I wanted to take classes I would have to pay out of state and blah blah blah.... but he basically made me feel dumb for considering it and having it as an option. I am not sure if I care anymore. In regards to not seeing me in a month, he told me it was because he was really busy.
I don't want his son to be second fiddle to me- that's not what I'm asking for. He knows this. I just want more of him, like it was a month ago with the phone calls at least. I feel like I did something wrong. I know I am a girl and after sex emotions raise three-fold. He has told me this himself, but he doesn't do anything. I am sad. I'm fed up with this situation and I just feel sometimes that he lies to me. Maybe I was not ready for all this, I just think that if he was more open things could be easier. Like why did it take hime 2years to tell me he had a kid? I don't wanna wait anymore and I don't see the point. I will never know the truth because he will never open up!
Guys tell me I'm beautiful everyday where I work. I meet guys at clubs and I get hit on regularly. I know I am not bad looking, its obvious they like me lol.. and its nice to have the attention and all, but in all honestly, it feels like all the guys in the world don't mean nothing compared to the one you want.
I wish things were different, I wish I was smarter in regards to men. I wish I had this relationship with someone closer to my age, or someone that my friends knew. I just don't know what to do or think anymore and I think about him everyday. It's so hard to let go and I am sure everyone's been through something similar. I just need some pointers and a fresh look on everything. Any help is greatly appreciated. I know I am naive and a rookie at all this, so anything will help.
Thanks so much!
Bloggers, thoughts?
35 comments:
You should leave. Leave him alone, leave the state, and take that new job!
He did plan this out, but men are conniving like that. Before you do leave ask him anything you'd ever want to know and dont hold back. I was in a similar situation and this helped me reach closure, it hurt but it worked.
On a side note: look at a man's actions, he will act as if he wants to be with you if he does, and don't have sex til he gives you a title and you've been with him long enough to know him "forreal" Men usually reveal their true colors within 6 months and if they slip up during that trial period LEAVE. There are too many men out there and you're obviously a BEAUTIFUL person! Hold on honey and be strong!
It sounds like this guy is married or at least, is in another relationship. There are so many red flags, like the baby stuff in his car and never seeing where he lives.This girl is/was being taken advantage up because of her youth and inexperience. When I was in my twenties, these guys who looked like they could be my Daddy would lie and tell me they are in their thirties becaue they didn't want to seem too old or creepy to a younger woman. He's a user and a manipulater and although it will hurt, it would be better to cut him off and find someone who shows respect. This guy cannot be trusted and does not seem to care the way that he should.It's wrong for someone to lie, then just string a woman along like that.
ive been in this situation and all i can say is run, run, run. it hurts like hell but use it as a learning experience.
in fact if you decide you're leaving, this would be a good time to milk his sorry ass for shit that you didnt want to accept beforehand. it only helps when you look back -- "ya i may have got played but that idiot paid for my plane ticket across the country" or something. harden your exterior, baby. it'll have him just as confused as he had/has you. good luck.
*sigh* Chica, I don't know what to tell you that would be uplifting besides to wake up and smell the coffee. Seriously ...
First of all, we need to drop the naive bit. I'm 24 and maybe what I'm about to say is a little harsh, but these things really need to be said.
You are a woman; therefore, it is time to start acting like one. Appreciate what you do have. Be grateful for that. No man is going to want to stick with you if you continue with this deep insecurity that you have. It just isn't attractive.
As a woman, you need to learn to trust your intuition. I would be hard pressed to believe that you didn't know something was up when you first started talking to him. We are never deceived; we simply allow others to deceive us ... and I feel as if you allowed him to deceive you and now you're going through the motions because you didn't get your way.
Well, guess what? A man who truly loves you isn't going to lie to you. A man who is truly a man isn't going to lie about something as petty as his age. Whether he knew the child was his or not, as your man, if you two were actually in a relationship, then he should have been forthcoming with that information. To know someone for a year and to say you two are a couple or something similiar yet he refuses to allow you to come over to his house means this man is hiding something from you.
What is even more pathetic is that this fool is over 30 and acting like he's 16. He's a little boy (mentally) and you need to let him be him and save yourself any additional heartache.
ALWAYS, and this is most important, put yourself first. If you want to relocate then do so. Don't allow him to play with your mind because he has some ulterior motive, because believe me he does. His game is way beyond tired and he's not worth your time, energy or tears.
While we can't turn back time and correct the past, paying more attention will ensure you won't have to deal with this in the future.
And on another random note, learn to love yourself first. If you can't love yourself then how can you love someone else? If you can't love yourself then how can you recognize when someone truly loves you?
girl, you got played! many (not all, but...) men are liars, cheaters & manipulators. you are not the only one who has been in this type of situation before. you were very young & green & he took advantage. you CAN NOT change people. you CAN NOT make someone want to be w/you or love you. you were a challenge...a virgin & he did everything to be the first. it was the thrill of the chase & when he got what he wanted (the pussy) the thrill of the chase was over. forget his lying, cheating ass. he has already forgotten about you. move, take the new job & do you. i just stopped seeing this guy who pursued me for months. he was so attentive in the beginning, but after a while he started to change so, i quickly dumped his ass! over the years i've grown a thick skin. i refuse to be used, miserable or mistreated. i WILL NOT tolerate bullshit! i can tell w/in a few months if a relationship is going to beneficial or detrimental to me & if it's not in my best interest to be w/a man i will bounce w/the quickness. no one wants to be alone, but i'd rather be happy by myself than to be made miserable at the hands of someone who means me harm. girl, you better wake up & toughen up now while you're still so young.
I agree with everyone above. This man calculated all of this; and how lame is HE that he has to lie about his age? That is something that high school girls do to get into clubs!
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so take what you have accomplished, and move on. You can and will come across something better in the future. For now, focus on advancing your career, education, and dating YOU. Because even when you do find a good man, you still need to take care of yourself.
Work on boosting your self esteem. Learn to love your body, your face, your mind, and your creativity. If you don't know what you like about you, FIGURE IT OUT. In a nutshell, make YOURSELF your #1 priority and the rest will follow.
As a final kiss-off to him; I would find a way to get him to fund my ticket to move. But that is just how I roll when a ninja thinks he played me. Keep your head up, and reflect on the lessons you have learned. :-)
With love,
Miss Andi K.
I'm 23, and like you, a recent university graduate. Unlike you, I've had many more hardships with men, and I hope I can help you with some insights.
Girl, you have so many things that no man can give you - or take away from you. A caring personality, a willingness to learn, the desire to explore and enlighten yourself - and of course, that piece of paper: your university degree. All of these attributes make you not only very attractive to men, but also provide a spring board to live a healthy independent life. You are blessed.
This man in your life is not worth any more of your time and energy. Sometimes it may feel like no one can understand your connection, or relate to your emotional attachment. Don't allow these feelings to confuse you, and put this dysfunctional relationship on a pedestal. It is, without a doubt, a dead end road. He is disrespectful of your needs, and absorbed with a life you know very little about. For whatever reason, this man is dishonest and is not willing to share himself with you. Consider yourself lucky, and move on.
In this economy, many new graduates are finding that rewarding work is difficult to find. With no weight on your shoulders except for your dreams, pursue opportunities that will take you out of your comfort zone and give you a chance to learn. Remember, no job is forever. You can always continue to look for new positions, and study for educational certifications on your own time. I think you should jump at the chance to move away from your current situation - working in an unrelated field will still provide you with many skills you can transfer to more interesting opportunities later on. Also, you can continue to volunteer in an area that compliments your education. You will feel fulfilled, strong, productive, and independent. Doors will open, and it’s only a matter of time until you embark on the career path of your choice. You need to spend your energy enriching your own life with positive experiences.
In the future, follow your intuition as soon as it sounds. You know it was ringing early on with this man, and you perpetually ignored it. Give your spirit more credit next time. LISTEN TO YOUR YOURSELF. Intuition is a woman’s greatest teacher and survival kit.
I could give you a whole list of good qualities in a man that you should place as a standard in relationships. He should be open, respectful, fun, considerate, honest, and excited to share you with the world...BUT: the most important trait a man should have is CONSISTENCY. If you find yourself making a list of pros and cons, you should crumple it up, and let it flow.
The amazing thing about the heart is that the more it hurts – the harder it works. The current man in your life will continue to fail you. YOU will only grow stronger and continue to impress yourself as you cut him out, and build yourself up.
Good luck!
From a guy:
Like I don't wanna be an asshole or anything but this is so easy I cant even make this answer long. He doesn't want you like u want him, but he just wants to keep you around though. so either you're going to live your life tailoring it to a man that you don't even have 100% of, or you are going to live YOUR life and find somebody that gives you their all. You said he doesn't cuddle, he doesn't listen to what you want during sex...um it sounds like there's alot to be desired and there is room for improvement so why sweat it? all these dudes like all all the places you frequent are trying to get with you and you're hung up on a guy that shows you constantly that hell never be what you want him to be. If somebody asked what would you look for in a potential guy, you'd name a bunch of things this 30 yr old is NOT, yet you're with him. THINK BLACK WOMEN!!!
I have to agree with @anon:from a guy, that this is a no brainer. The guy is trying to keep you around, but doesnt want that committed, loving relationship that you want. Cut your losses, and move on. Enjoy that fresh start that you'll get with that new job/new place. You only have one life to live, dont waste time on a guy that isn't even worth it.
move to the new place! you even said yourself the next time you get into a relationship you want to be the better you. well the better you has a good job, a nice place and isnt dealing with a liar/cheater/manipulator.
SMH *SIGH* ALL IM GOING TO SAY CHICK U NEED A BITCH SLAP.. THERE ARE SO MANY RED FLAGS WAVING INFRONT OF U N U R TOO DAMN CAUGHT UP TO SEE THEM. LISTEN THIS MAN USED U N U SEEMS TO ENJOY IT OR WANT IT SOME MORE. PLZ DONT TELL ME UR SELF ESTEEM IS THAT LOW.. GIRL GET A GRIP OF URSELF N SEND THIS MAN ON IS JOLLY WAY. NOT THAT IM PERFECT BUT COME ON MAN COMMON SENSE. GIRLS LIKE U ALLOW THESE DUDES TO GET AWAY WITH SHIT LIKE THIS IF U WANT PPL TO BE DOWN WITH U U HAVE TO B DONE WITH YRSELF FIRST CHICA. I MITE SOUND HARSH BUT THATS JUST ME
TYPO *DOWN*
please let him go && forgive him,not 44 his sake but 44 urs. you dnt want 22 be bitter b/c his ass is a dog. && thank him to, ya ii said thank him b/c he taught you what not to accept from any guy nxt time around. experience is the best teacher sweetheart.though ii am a few yrs younger than you ii learned the hard way reak early so b thankful that u were atleast abled 22 live ur teen yrs out b4 being hurt. u seem like a real sweet person so dont let nobody asshole ways change that n22 a bitter woman. Alwaays look out for the red flag && u will be just fine.
Good Luck honey!
Hey!
I wrote in this one & I just wanna say THANK YOU to each any every 1 of you, from the bottom of my heart!! I am so grateful for your input, I feel confident already just reading the comments!!
I have decided to pursue this new place, I would be making a mistake if I didn't !! I think I knew deep down what was right, its just hard because I try to always think that people are good- this is not the case!!! Thank you for the *bitch slap* into realization lolol!
I wish you all the best & appreciate the time you took in writing back with advice!!
lots of love!!
xo
i'ma keep this SHORT!!!
he used the fact that u were (are) young n' (a lil') naive 2 get what he want'd n' DIPP'D!!!!!
he NEVER intended 4 u 2 meet his son..n' he SURE AS HELLLLLL NEVER intended on makin' it 'official'.....ESPECIALLY after he took ur virginity....BASTARD!!!
i had 2 stop readin' cuz that MUTHAFUCKA PISS'D ME THE FUCK OFF WID HIS OL' WANNA BE PLAYA ASS!!!
KARMA IS A BITCH SWEETIE PIE N' REST ASSURE HIS OL' SAGGY BALLS N' GREY PUBIC HAIR ASS WILL GET HIS!!!!
JUSS CONTINUE 2 DO U N' FLOURISH!!!
P.S. this explains y his BM (wife or gf) was older!!!!!
i think my previous comment explains EXACTLY what u need 2 do the next time GRANPA even thinks about breathin' in ur direction!!!!!!!!
I must admit as someone stated previously that this guy is definetly involved with someone else. When you are ready to jump out there the next time, realize that you have to care about you first. If the person that you are interested in can't invest the time to committing to getting to know you and for you to know them equally, then they aren't worth your time to even know. You definetly deserve better than that, and it's okay to take your time. Make sure that you don't have to guess yourself, you should KNOW that you love them, and KNOW they love you as well. I wish you the best of luck, and may be that guy will see his loss, may be not. What counts is you know. Good luck and God Bless.
CO-SIGN to every comment above!!!
All I'm gonna say is:
Leave this guy behind, look forward and MOVE forward... physically, mentally and spiritually.
I hope everything works out for you in the new state, which I'm sure it will... :)
Stay focused. Stay blessed. Peace.
*hug*
If GOD has presented you with a life changing opportunity I don't see the question? He doesn't fulfill you on so many different levels and it's obvious he is a liar and the bond you have is probably because he was your first lover-I bet if you have sex with a boyfriend you will understand what the hold is-I mean you said it yourself you don't love him so then why would you take his advice as far as leaving-if he was there for you when you needed him in San Fran he will be there if you need him again-but honestly I think GOD has a new man in store for you - you just have to pick up and move...
Run now while you can. He is controlling and manipulative and will only bring you down. He knows you are young and naive and is using this to his advantage. Don't let him make decisions for you, if you want to move out of your state then do it! The things he says and does are messed up and selfish. RUN!!!!
LADIES! LADIES! LADIES!!!! STOP SUCKING THESE PENISES SO FREELY!!!!! You don't have any idea what these guys have and I'm sure a vast majority of these guys don't even go to the doctor!!! THAT IS YOUR MOUTH!!!! If you get a disease that's the 1st place people can see it!!!!! HELLLOOOO! WAKE UP!!!! OMG!!!!
what he says to you isn't nearly as important as how u feel about it. It's very possible that he was really busy for a month, but as a man I can tell you that me make time for what is important to us. It sounds very possible that he is hiding something from you, and my advice would to be to leave and not worry about what it is. I'd take the job and move to wherever you were going to move to and start fresh. After a year of living out of state somewhere your a resident and you can pay in state tuition. I'm not telling you not to love him anymore, but by moving on, you will be doing whats best for you.
a man will hang around long enough just to get what he wants...damn why when she said "he told me he loved me", that crazy lady from a "thin line" popped in my head...in that scene with martin, he told her that he loved her just to get the booty...
He doesn't want to be bothered or he would've called by now...
My advice:
Take the "l" , charge it to the game (cuz you got played) & MOVE ON!!!!! LITERALLY...
Rule #1: Never let a nigga play you...we women are too fly for that shittt!!!
i'm going thru something similar...the advice i gave myself...JUST WALK AWAY!!!
It seems to me like he got what he wanted and rolled out. I think you should have asked more questions in the beginning. When you saw the baby clothes in the trunk how come you didnt ask who they belonged to? I also dont think that this "relationship" should have went on for this long. When a man and a woman are together there are certain things and certain signs that a woman must look for. You missed all of the signs. Number one he had baby clothes in his trunk. Number two you never went to his house, and number three you never met anyone from his family. This didnt seem odd to you? This man was acting like he had something to hide from the beginning and not only is he hidding things but he is a liar. He lied about his age. You should just move on, find someone that will treat you better and make sure that the person is legit and honest before giving it up to him and before you start catching feelings. God Bless
If you are in a relationship with someone by the 6 month mark you should be meeting people in his family. In 2-3 months you should be coming to their house. you didnt do either of these things and you were with him for over a year.I think you should have never messed with him based on his age alone. he was to old for you. You are a bright talented educated sister and sometimes men who dont have that going on for themselves can get jealous or try to hold you back. You should have been dating a college guy your own age, someone that you have something in common with. A man who you can discuss the same topics with. This clown sounds like a loser. I mean did he even own his own house and what did he do for a living? He probley lived with his baby mama thats why he never invited you to his house. I think you should move on and just take that as a lost. See if you were dating at the age of 16 you would have known when to spot a clown. Better yet if you were talking to your mother, sisters, or girlfriends they would have schooled you.
wow i feel sorry for you. this man only wanted your virginity sorry to say... you are an educated woman. do not feel bad over this. you have alot going for you. take that job and that place to stay.. he's not worth you fucking up your life.. he has a kid that he did not tell you about from the gate. the mothertfucker is damn near a senior citizen and lied about thaT. you are 23 and you do not need an old man in your life. he has lived his life. he is established and you need to do the same for you. you damn sure don't need any step kids.. you don't need any biological kids either. live your life. put you first.. i myself am 41 and i would never want a relationship with a man your age. thats not fair to him. sooner than you know it i will be eligible to live in a senior community..lol. move on honey it is not worth it. meet a nice man around your age.. he can be a little older thats fine.. you want a man whose about something.. you don't need baby mama drama. i told my 22 year old daughter the same.. another thing honey stop all this oral sex bullshit with these men. once a girl does that and no intercourse goes on he sees you as an easy target. because alot of women don't do that with their boyfriends or husbands. save that for the man who deserves it. not the man who can't or refuses to commit to you.. good luck..
Seems to me that you still have your dignity. It was your first real love and this is how it always goes. When it comes to your first love its like your riding on cloud nine. I know your pain so well. Not your particular situation..but a man who gets you in bed and then makes you feel like your lower then whale shit at the bottom of the ocean. They "Claim" to love you, but neglect you in the same breath...My sister told me that success is the best revenge you can have on anyone. I know its hard and nobody moves on overnight, but I advise that you spend a day CRYING YOUR EYES OUT...get out every frustration you can. Its the first start in feeling better and then from there proceed to working and getting your life in order. Take that job in another state...you're young and need adventure. Don't ever regret being with him...just write it off as a lesson learned and you will know what to look out for the next time around. Even thought most of us make the same mistake atleast 2-3 times before we actually learn. Men are like buses sweetie...when one pulls off another one is pulling in.
Hello, I know some of these comments seem harsh, so I just want to give you a perspective from someone who went through something similar.
My Ex wasn't older but he was deceptive, DEFINATELY a manipulator and a guy that knows how to use people to get what he wants.
Like you, I knew what he said and how he was acting wasn't consistent but I wanted him so bad.
I did such a good job holding on to my virginity as long as I could waiting for that special someone and then came him, my 1st year of college.
YESSSS! He used the L-Word too and like a Sucka I fell for it and thought this was serious.
He said we should just be friends b/c he was sexaully active and I was not and he didn't want to rush me.
So he Supossedly "Loved Me" but was leaving me for Crystal because she was putting out.
Like a damn fool I thought he was being considerate.....lol.
So in essence he made me believe I made the choice, without him rushing me.
When in truth, I wasn't ready. I didn't want to see him with anyone else and he told me loved me. So I thought if I slept with him it would bring us closer and he wouldn't need to leave me for Crystal.
Well, long story short he slept with me, Crystal and whomever else.
He only wanted the booty unfortunately and to say I was devastated is an understatement.
And while we can know something is wrong sometimes...HELL, we can even know we're being played....THAT DOESN"T STOP HOW YOU REALLY FEEL.
YOUR FEELINGS ARE REAL and I'm pretty sure this must hurt like hell.
There were times when I'd cry until I couldn't cry anymore and feel so bad it felt like I was hyperventilating or having a nervous breakdown.
This doesn't have anything to do with me having low self-esteem or being weak at all.
Cause like even now, reading your story, it's so easy for me too see thru this dudes BS.
However, when I was going thru it, it's like I was blind or something.
I WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DIDN"T LOVE ME....plain and simple. I didn't make my heart love him. In fact, it got to a point where I was in conflict with myself, I hated myself for loving him so much.
I couldn't understand how I could love someone who hurt me so bad.
BUT I DID.....and I still do.
BUT I HAD TO LET GO....and YOU DO TOO.
Leave girl....it will hurt...I won't lie... but not more than the pain of staying and living this misery over & over again.
YOU can't make someone love you. You owe it to yourself to move on.
Don't worry about the people on here calling you stupid or niave.....we all have to learn somehow.
STupid would be not learning from this experience and making this same mistake twice.
My Grandfather used to say
"Men will never appreciate anything they don't have to EARN"
Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way and you did too.
Stay blessed and put yourself 1st from now on.
Good Luck in your new city. Move-on but never forget.
Hey, Its the submitter of the story again.. i keep checking back here and reading all the new comments everyday and ALL of them over whenever i feel weak. Just wanna say again-
Thank you so much again to everyone, TRULY grateful for every word of advice, encouragement, and honesty. I don't have a lot of people I talk to about my relationships, and I feel so happy that I reached out and wrote on here. I am def moving on, and I am much smarter thanks to all of you. I understand what I have done and like many of you have said- ive learned from it. I am a positive person, and it hurts a lot to know what is the truth. I am sad, but I don't have time for depression or wishing my x anything bad. There is no point.
To update- my ticket is bought, and I am ready to try something new for myself in a new state. My x keeps calling me and talking to me over the phone.. I am cordial, but my heart is not there anymore. He knows I am leaving and I don't know, I guess he feels obligated to talk to me now. My heart is not on the same page anymore though. I am not as excited to talk. Just want the best for him, but more importantly MYSELF- and that is not him. You were all right- He is not giving me what i want/deserve and thats enough to walk away.
I hope that you all can understand how grateful I am and how strong you made my first step away from my x and back to strengthening ME. I feel like you all gave me that push I needed. I am grateful and will remember this as a lesson. I will apply everything I can to be a smarter person. I need to be more selfish and picky, even if I am a shy person. I had no expectations in relationships before, but now I have a blueprint lol, its in progress... but
God Bless & THANK YOU so so much!!
xo
Damn damn diggity damn! *sniffs and wipes a tear*. Damn homie that is ALL the way fucked up! If you don't do anything else use this as a LEARNING experience. Men lie...OFTEN. Hell people lie. They lie to get what they want. It's not right but it is life. You gotta wake up and excuse me sounding harsh but this is no time for babying. Use your head next time. If a guy lies to you about anything let alone his age you can bet your last dollar that there are plenty more lies where that came from. If a guy won't invite you inside his home, then (in this case) it is REASONABLE and SAFE to ASSUME that he is A. hiding something (i.e. wife, family, messiness lol) B. He doesn't consider you all that important (what guy doesn't want to cuddle up with his MAIN squeeze?) C. combination of the two. You seem like a smart girl but the insecurities aren't far from the surface and it seems like you lack true confidence. Don't gain your confience from compliments and sexual advaces. Men like and try to fuck/get women and women like and try to get/fuck me. It's natural so those aren't valid markers to pump up self-esteem. You gradutaed from college girl! Find yourself and your inner beauty. Let the personality and itelligence shine through(which translates physically as 'SWAG')That's something to give you confidence because not everyone can do that. I know it too A LOT out of me! This guy is a sicko. He wanted some young pucci (not saying that he never developed feeling for you) but he really went through a lot to get that just to start acting shitty (sign of a really troubled man cuz you can BUY pussy for less hassle). I hate you gave it to him because he was so unappreciative. His old butt was probably going through a mid-life crisis. DON'T beat yourself up about this though. You were taken advantage of, real talk. Just go with your gut next time. If something doesn't feel right..it probably isn't-is a rule of thumb. Guys are sick and there are some real wolves out there looking to prey on the weak and its up to you to keep a critical birds-eye view of these jackasses and make sure you are strong enough to fight for your respect. Not saying that you aren't mature but a 20 year old should not peak ANY REAL interest from a 30 something year old (granted that this is a sane, level-headed grown ass MAN-not a child in a mans body). It may not seem like a huge gap but I don't care how mature each party is...Somebody is below standard developmentally/ maturity wise. And it will probably be the oldest person. Older guys see young girl and think easy sex which is pedephili-ish (I know) from the jump. Leave him alone, don't let how you feel about this old fart weigh in on your future. While he is talkin ish about you leaving..is he trying to finance and genuinely help you plant your career roots where you are? Or does he just want you around for when he can/ wants to come out and play? Men are sick like that too, they might not want you but can't stand the though of another man in it. Think about it youngblood. You will be ok. Date other people and remember TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS babygirl you WILL get over it and find a man who loves you and wants to actually share his world with you. Peace and take care!
Go girl! I'm glad you decided to go! I'm glad you got the direction needed! For real though I knew you would get it together. Didn't sound like the TRULY helpless ones *rolls eyes*. Best of luck and stay focused! Go Bless
Congrats! Keep us posted on yourself and stay strong! ;)
this man is a user and a liar, he either has a wife or a live in girlfriend, he lied about his age, his child, and you have never been to his home, RUN AWAY FROM HIM ASAP
move on with your life, he was just using you
As someone stated before, this soumds like a married man. He doesnt take you to his place, never introduced you to his child or anyone else for that matter and he knew you for years. This does sound like he planned it. I'm a 19 year old virgin and wise well beyond my years. I'm always called "a fronter" by guys and my "friends". Honestly, I can care less because I dont want to end up in your situation. I'm very skeptical and usually can smell b.s. from a mile away. I fell in love before and almost had sex with the guy but something kept on holding me back. I'm glad I didnt because I dont trust him. Until this day I refuse to contact this guy although I think about him from time to time. I've also cut off all communication with him and it feels so good.
GURRRRRL i'm telling you to RUN!!!!!!
This guy is selfish. Why should you stay were you are moping around about him when he wont even make time to see you? He makes you feel foolish but he's really just controlling your mind. You have another option and if the job and location is good you would be a fool not to take it because of what he says. What did your family say? They are the best ones to give you insight and I believe you are the only one blinded by his love. Get away from him and you'll get a part of you back. Your thinking with your heart, think with your mind and it will offer you great relief.
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