Here's our next "Therapy Thursday" session...
What's up? I want to write to you and see what you think of my situation. I am a 30year old man and my fiance is in the Marine Corps. We have been engaged a little over 3 years and she has two children that I love as if they were my own. Neither of them has a relationship with there real dad and I have been in there lives for the past 6 years they are 11 and 13. Here is the issue. She is stationed on the west coast and I am still on the East Coast for right now due to my job and all. My job is set to transfer me there very soon. I have been here alone and faithful for the past 6months doing any and everything to keep me bizzy and free of any negativity and temptaions. We have been at odds of late because there is a time difference and the hrs that I work limit our communication. I expressed this to her and I tell her how much I miss them only to have her get angry over the pettiest issues. I am a very real and down to earth dude and in my heart I really believe that she is dealing with another man over there just based on attitude and other little things. I'm the type of person that truly respects the game for what it is and therefore if I feel a situation is bad I'm going to ask u about it and her reply is no when do I have time to do this and that b/c I am always taking the boys here and there and doing this and that but the funny thing is that the kids always are home alone while you are out wit your coworkers. The major thing that gets his piised is the fact that I tell her on a daily basis that there is no way in hell that those kids should be home alone or even with anyone there on that base bc u don't know them good enuff in that area to trust them to be around those kids like that. She is the type of person that is very naïve to reality and is truly an attention whore. She goes the extra mile to please those that she just meets but yet she can't sacrafice time for a man that has taken care of her and her kids amongst other things that truly matter. I luv her to death and I miss her dearly but I refuse to make a trip to the west coast for the next 4years when in my heart I feel as if something is not right and be away from my entire family. I am truly struggling with this decision. What do you think?
Bloggers any advice?
Bloggers any advice?
24 comments:
Dont go but still communicate with the children
You need to go and visit for like 2wks and then make your decesion. What is done in the dark will come to light and that is for sure especially with her being on a military base. One thing is for certain and two things are for sure. If she is all about attention, then I hate to say it but me being a women, and when you are with someone for a long period of time you try and find someone or something to fill that void. You are away from her and some women need that validation. They need someone at all times to put them on this ladder of compliments. Don't give up. Do all that you can so in the end you can at least say hey, I've tried. Long distance relationships are hard. As a mother it is her responsibilty to make sure that there isn't every Tom, Dick and Harry around her children. You are not there Father and I commend you on that because that is a role that you have chosen to take upon but don't let that be the reason that you are miserable in that relationship ultimatley in the end that is not going to be good for you or the kids... Hope this helps.
Run Nigga Ruuuuuun
I was once in this situation, and I learned:
Distance makes the heart grow fonder of SOMEONE ELSE.
Love,
Miss Andi K.
Co-sign with Miss Andi K.
I haven't been in a long distance relationship, but just by looking at some of my friends I say in 9/10 cases, ppl start checkin for somebody else.
I hate to be a pessimist...but nowadays, it is what it is.
Good luck with everything.
Stay focused.
Stay blessed.
If your heart tells you something is going on, then most likely it is.
I would have to agree with most of the comments if you feel something is awry then you should listen to yourself-You said it best she loves attention and with you not being there to give her the attention she needs she is probably getting it somewhere else---Now with that being said I'm on the east coast also so if you ever need a friend ; ) LOL...Take care and know that first love is self love!
Your lady is on another coast, has children, and is in the service. You say you've been faithful for the past 6 months, does that mean she just moved to the West coast recently? How were things when you lived closer to one another?
There isn't enough information here to say that you should RUN!
A 3 year relationship with a woman that you are absolutely in love with deserves more time and investigation. If you both still want to be together, you should accept that job transfer and be with her. But if she's always been difficult to deal with, and always made you doubt that you are the only one, time to call it quits.
My followers know how my man ruined things for me during my first year of law school. Whatever happens, use this what you've learned in this relationship to your advantage in the future.
I definitely think you should go with your gut. If you think that something is going on, then it probably is. Even if you were to ask her if she is cheating straight out, she is going to tell you no, because a) she doesn't want to hurt you, and b) she doesn't want to lose you. I think that you should definitely not base your decisions on her and her children from now on. Let her take the lead and show that this relationship is where SHE wants to be as well.
~talia
sorry but she is not a good woman. a good woman does not leave her kids home alone to hang in the street. marrying her would be a big mistake.. you love the kids so hey stay in their lives. when men or women are cheating their attitudes change. her attitude seems like she got a new piece. do not go and uproot all you have knowing somethimg is not right. go with your gut..if you make it official with her i believe you will end up with drama.. i feel bad for the kids.. mommy got a decent man, a man who loves them and her and she can't act right. good luck...
go w/ ur heart my man.......cuz even if ur mind can't grasp the fact that somethin's goin' on (n' SUMIN'GOIN' ON!!!)ur HEART WILL NEVER LIE 2 U!!!
i feel it 4 the kids, but u gotta protect yo' neck.....no matter what tho....PLZ remember dem 2 boys!!!!!!
sounds like you have trust issues, there are thousands of people in the military and they are away from home in other countries for sometimes years and still manage to make it work.So you mean to tell me your girl has been gone for 6 mouths (in united states) and your cheap ass haven't been down there to see her? If you really love her like you claim you would have more faith in her and your relationship.And yes she is out with her friends having fun what else should she be doing? waiting on you? Damn right she got another man!!!! are you crazy?
I agree with Angela...what is done in the dark will eventually come to light. I too was in a long distance relationship with someone in the military. We recently moved in together and I'm now finding out about all of his affairs over the last 5 years (he was overseas for 2). When I think back, he would catch an attitude for no apparent reason at times and displayed other weird behavior..I missed those signs. All I have to say is don't relocate for her because it sounds like she may have her own thing going on out there. You would only be putting yourself in a situation where you can't win. Break the engagement and find someone that will appreciate you.
Usually they say to definitely follow your gut, but if it's possible I would just do an unexpected visit and see if things are different before you surpeise her, it'll only be for your peace of mind, but I mean you're surely feeling this way for a reason, at the end of the day its your heart and your choice on what you're going to do from this point!
So is the main reason you're moving down there for the job or to be closer to her? If it's just to be closer to her, I'd say you should think about putting that plan on hold until you two sort this out. Maybe try staying with her for a week or two before you decide to uproot your life to be close to her.
Also, to me it sounds like she doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore but has too much of a history with you to break it off just yet. Her nit-picking and arguing could be her way of distancing herself or trying to CREATE a valid reason (in her mind) for breaking up with you that she doesnt have to feel guilty about.
But the fact is, nobody here knows you're situation. You have to go with your instincts. If you can't shake that feeling that she's cheating, then she probably is. Not everyone is built for a long-distance relationship.
like another poster said, you need to go out there for a visit before committing to moving to see what's really up. you say she's a person that craves the spotlight, her kids are home alone or w/strangers while she's out, she's picking fights w/a man who's been by her side & taken in her kids for the past 6 yrs...what more do you need? you already said that you feel in your gut that the situation isn't right & i have learned over the years that you ALWAYS go w/your gut feeling...that 1st instinct. i was in a long distant relationship & i know from personal experience that that shit DOES NOT WORK when you are around & attracted to someone of the opposite sex & wanting to feel the touch of a man/woman when your significant other isn't there to fill that void...especially if the 2 of you are not married.
If you feel that there is something wrong it probably is. You say she is naiive so a man (like yourself) who is able to see that about her could easily take advantage. She is probably dealing with someone else not because she doesn't care for you but because she is lonely. Sorry to tell ya and I hope I don't offend but military people in MY experiences are ver 'anxious' and have the opportunity and propensity to sleep around. It's plausible for that type of life and atmosphere. You are still young and have time to bounce back. I say life is too short to be worried about another grown person. Find someone else, especially when you FEEL that something isn't right. You don't seem like a dumb guy so go with that first instinct. You are probably right. If it is meant to be then please believe it will. I may be biased because I DO NOT engage in long-distance relationships. They are a waste of time and energy. I also believe there will be more than one GREAT love in your life if you are open to the concept so F wasting time with someone with a funky attitude and an ass of kids that AREN'T yours! Find someone who appreciates you and everything you do and have some of your OWN rugrats Take care
I normally dont' post on here, but I have been n in a situation like yours as I am prior military and my now ex husband were in seperate locations. TRUST me if you have doubts about moving uprooting and relocating DO NOT do it...Listen to the little voice inside. trust me if a person is irritated over the fact that you are calling and its a little late or are always "out" yes its other things going even if its not an affair the fact that you would rather be in the streets than home should tell you this person isnt relationship material. It was convienent when I lived in Miss, and he lived in DC for him to do his dirt, but I advise yes go stay for 2 weeks and pay attention to everything from looking at bills to how the phone ring or don't ring....I found after I left Miss to move to DC with my "husband" after 2 years of long distance that he was married to someone else as well living another life...
Petty attitudes for no reason are tell tale signs of when someone else is cheating, and if she tells you she hasn't had time to cheat because she is taking the kids here and there and you for fact that the kids are home alone while she is out with her coworkers; she's cheating. You should take some time off work to make a suprise trip over there for like 3-7days. See how she welcomes you. Then depending on her reaction you'll know whether or not she is doing something. If she says thing like, "you shouldn't have came or "u should have let me know you were comeing"; Or if she is more shocked than happy then there is no need to ask questions because she is messing around. I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRUEL BUT WOMEN DON'T. KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE UNTL ITS ABSOLUTELY GONE, MEANING YOU HAVE LET THE KIDS GO TOO. It was good that you took it upon yourself as a man to take care of kids that wernt even yours but obviously she's trying to hire some one esle for the job. Only then will she truely know how important you are. TRUST ME.
"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 years, and when ur gut is tellin u somthing. it usually is what it is.....sry to say but distance aint easy, your always lacking your partners presence and that ultimately makes u turn to someone who can be there for you.
peace.
Scenario: she has 2 kids, 2 different fathers, you come into their lives and pick up the slack and you've been with her for 6 years since her kids were 5 and 7. So you're basically the only father figure they know and one is in middle school or should be, and the other should be on the way to middle school, so you are all they know!!! Now only 6 months have gone by and she is getting irritated over phone calls and petty shit and you claim to know that she is lying and going to party with coworkers and whatnot and leaving the kids home alone. My brother be strong and look at your situation! There is something not right because love believe it or not does conquer all!!! If she was in live with u as you say u are/were with her, then she should b calling as much as you no matter what time of day it is and you shouldve went to visit first before just moving out there!!! Don't be a fool and don't let this one experience stop you from being a faithful brother! It's VERY rare this day and age to find a man to be in a serious relationship with a woman with 2 kids AND 2 different baby daddies and still stay for 6 years!!!!! Find someone with less baggage and can appreciate you and spend that time showing you that appreciation! It may be hard to turn those kids loose, but in the words of Maury on a DNA testing show, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!!! She may just turn the love you have for those kids against you!!! So be smart my brother and just take a breather. Go to her face to face before moving out there! She must have a pretty mean cooch to be causing you all this turmoil!!! (j/k) but hopefully you take this advice and use it and be wise with it! And Remember if you're going to have sex, have SAFE SEX!!!!
More than likely something is up especially if you feel it. I was married to someone in the military and we are not together anymore because he was cheating on me with someone in the military. Sorry to say it but thats what they do. The military is really f'd up, I know from experience. I became friends with alot of people in the military and they told me the down and dirty details of what goes down in the military and I was not happy but I wanted the truth and thats what I got. Get to know some people in the military. They are not just where she is, they are all over the world. Talk to them and ask them to tell you what goes down. There are things that happen that are not suppose to happen but it does because they look out for each other. They are like family. Me personally, I will never date/marry someone in the military but thats just me. What you really need to do is pray. GOD ALWAYS reveals things to us especially when we ask him to. Now whether we decided to act upon it or not is on us. Be blessed, be strong, and PRAY!
i say you need to visit yr girl so that you can build yr trust back up dont always jump to think that she is cheating because u guys been together for a long time u should know her better than that just think she in the same kinda place you are in do you think she trust you just because she leaves the house dose not mean she cheating this is a test of yall love for eachother you say you love her and the kids dont think so little of the woman you claimed to love this is coming from a woman who knows what it feel like to always get accused of cheating it hurts trust her more than that.
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